November

Almost a year ago now, there I was. If I think hard enough, there I appear, a small skeleton, weighted by bones much heavier than my own. As the days have passed, the memories have become hazier, the feelings have become but muted hiccups and I grew skin where there once had been only a frail frame of a human girl. 

Almost a year ago now, there I slept, in a bed that sunk me, protected me, in a bed that cushioned the blow but it did not ward off the sadness, it did not fight the demons outside the door. I look back on that weak girl--but I thought I was strong then too--I ran at life, I faced it with open eyes, bared teeth, but I was lost. I knew not what I ran towards, I used to not care. 

Almost a year ago now, I remember his face so well. I see every freckle as it melted off his skin and onto my own. We had one body, one mouth. Mine was irrelevant; I was not more than a mirror. I was not more. 

Almost a year ago now and so much as changed. I wish I could tell him all about it. Sometimes I imagine picking up the phone and hearing his voice, hearing him say hello with that sweet crescendo of notes saved only for me. Sometimes I picture coffee in the fog, or a drive out to the river like we used to take. Sometimes I miss him, but I do not miss myself. I do not miss the girl who used to sit in that passenger seat while someone else drove her life. 

Almost a year ago now and perhaps I live in fear. Perhaps a bit more fear than I should. Maybe I should trust more, practice committing to Something. Someone. Somewhere. But I am finally all that I need; I am finally all that I want. Almost a year and finally I am whole, finally I am strong. Finally, I am someone that I want to introduce around, someone not tied to a bed that drowns her in teardrops. 

Almost a year ago now and I’ve stopped seeing him in everything I look at. I have stopped crying with no reason. The sadness no longer governs me. I am more than my tragedies, more than a broken heart--a lost future. 
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Almost a year ago now I set myself free. And never again will I be anything but that, never again, never again, never again.